The Art of Saying No

For most of my twenties, I was a chronic yes-person. Yes to every invitation. Yes to extra work projects. Yes to favors that drained me. Then I burned out—hard.

Learning to say no has been the most transformative skill of my thirties.

Why We Struggle to Say No

People-Pleasing Programming

Many of us (especially women) were taught that being good means being accommodating. Saying no feels like being difficult, selfish, or mean.

Fear of Missing Out

What if this is the event where I meet my soulmate? What if saying no means I’m overlooked for the promotion?

Guilt and Obligation

“But they’ve done so much for me.” “They’ll be disappointed.” “What will they think?”

The Reframe That Changed Everything

Every yes to something is a no to something else.

When I say yes to a work project I don’t have time for, I’m saying no to sleep, exercise, or time with people I love.

When I say yes to a draining social obligation, I’m saying no to rest and recharge.

Understanding this made saying no feel less like rejection and more like choosing myself.

How to Say No Gracefully

The Simple No

“Thank you for thinking of me, but I can’t.”

No explanation needed. This was the hardest for me to learn.

The Delayed No

“Let me check my schedule and get back to you.”

This buys time to assess whether you actually want to say yes.

The Alternative No

“I can’t do X, but I could do Y instead.”

Helpful when you want to contribute but not in the way asked.

The Boundary No

“I’m not taking on new commitments right now.”

This makes it about your capacity, not the specific request.

Situations Where I Now Say No

• Events I only attend out of obligation
• Projects that don’t align with my goals
• Relationships that drain more than they give
• Requests that require me to abandon my values
• Commitments that would sacrifice my health
• Last-minute demands on my time

The Guilt Will Come (At First)

I won’t pretend saying no feels good immediately. The guilt can be intense. Here’s what helped:

• Remember your reason — You said no for good reason
• Tolerate the discomfort — It passes
• Notice the relief — Usually arrives within 24 hours
• Celebrate small wins — Each no gets easier

What Saying No Has Given Me

Since implementing boundaries:

• More energy for what matters
• Less resentment in relationships
• Better quality work (less quantity)
• Improved mental health
• Deeper, more genuine connections

The People-Pleaser Recovery Plan

1. Start small — Say no to low-stakes requests first
2. Practice the words — Literally rehearse phrases
3. Sit with the discomfort — Don’t immediately backtrack
4. Notice who respects your no — These are your people
5. Celebrate progress — This is hard work

A Note on Reactions

When you start saying no, some people won’t like it. They benefited from your lack of boundaries. Their discomfort is not your responsibility.

The people who truly care about you will respect your boundaries—even if they’re initially disappointed.

---

What’s your biggest challenge with saying no? Let’s discuss in the comments.